Excellent thoughts. I’d like to use these — giving you full credit — as I teach conflict resolution next week to our teachers.

Great points. Any suggestions on how to develop #7 (developing a trusted group of friends/mentors)?

Go for it. Is this for your school?

Yes. Who are 5 people who make the “I want people to look at me like I look at this person”??? Get that list and you are ready to roll.

Most disagreements are about aesthetics. This is weird to realize, but it is true. For example, I might have liked you to state something in a different way, because the way you actually stated it brings up unpleasant associations and memories for me.

I’m convinced that most political and theological arguments are exactly this. Why is it important to talk about Jesus’ divinity using *this* word, but not *this* word? Well, because somebody has some bad history with one of the terms.

When you realize this, I think it helps you see why people are upset. It might not be because you slighted them – it might be because you’re using words with unpleasant connotations, and they can’t separate you from the memory you inadvertently brought up.

Great point Micah!

#1 and #7 cannot be emphasized enough. I once had a church member, who carried considerable influence among the church and was a retired VP with a VERY large international company, decide in criticizing me that he was going attempt an assassination on my integrity, honesty, calling, etc… It was a very dehumanizing experience to say the least. When it was all said and done, which did not stop with me, I understood why some preachers leave church ministry never to return. It was employing both #1 and #7 that helped me through.

Good list. I would add: invite critique (which is more constructive that criticism). Asking people to call us on matters where we are incorrect, insensitive, or open to further questioning and improvement may head off some criticism. It also helps to keep us humble. I often hate reading student evaluations because of complaints, e.g., “He gave me my only B in grad school” :) But the evaluations reveal problems in what I do, so I need to at see what the class thought and consider how I can improve. I ask them not just to fill in the bubbles but to use to comment boxes. Not all critiques are equally valid and some statements are just rants, but inviting the process of critique invites growth. And growth hurts sometimes.

Great post, Josh. It is also helpful (and revealing and convicting and often painful) to ask this question when I feel a surge of defensiveness after receiving criticism: What is it about ME that has caused such a reaction? It’s usually fear or pride or a combination of both. Jesus and trusted brothers restore me to sanity.

KRex-glad you are still in ministry. You are gifted!
Phillip-Great thoughts. I’ve done sermon reflection groups and it was a gratifying experience.
Josh-thanks for your wisdom bro. Much love.

Hi Josh: I mostly agree and resonate with what you’re saying, but I often find that simply ignoring criticism is best. Maybe it’s just me and my experience, but if you try and answer every single gripe; and if you try to satisfy and please everybody, you’re going to be miserable and burn out. Just be yourself – the person who God made you to be – and learn to accept the fact that some people are going to love you and some people are going to hate you. Whether you’re a politician, business leader, minister, or whatever, that’s the reality of life. You have no control over that, so just give it to God and let Him be the judge of those people. You focus on loving and serving people in Jesus’ name, and entrust the rest to God.

Josh,

Since I am a young minister, you have no idea how much this has helped me. I have been “called on the carpet” so many times and responded so poorly. Through experience I see that I would agree with every single one of your points. Criticism WILL come – especially if you are doing what’s right. Jesus says, “Woe to you if everyone thinks well of you.” Glad to know that we can get that woe out of the way and get to loving people and helping them limp with us into the Kingdom of God.

Chris. Does that seem to work?

Well, it’s certainly not easy at times, of course; but learning that I don’t have to please everybody and be liked by everybody in order to live a blessed life has been one of the greatest things that’s happened to me in recent memory. God does not call me to be successful, but to be faithful. Sometimes, being faithful to God requires suffering and disappointment and mistreatment and whatnot, but as happened to the Master, so happens to His servants. I’m not trying to say that we shouldn’t try to reconcile with people and learn from people – we should, so long as we don’t allow it to control us.

I guess the challenge is learning what types of criticism are constructive – and, therefore, worth learning from – and what types of criticism are destructive – and, therefore, not worth loosing sleep over. You have to take it on a case-by-case, situation-by-situation, person-by-person basis.

The old saying, “You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time” comes to mind. Often when I receive criticism if I feel especially indignant about it, I have to step back and ask myself “why did this make me so angry/upset?” and sometimes I realize that I don’t like it because there may be some truth in it and I may need to change. So, definitly #1 & #7 are extreamly important. Thanks for the reminders. . .

Thanks for the note, Scott. Great words. Peace to you.
JG